


for all the things my hands have held (the best by far is you)

by scagnetism



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Future Fic, Kid Fic, M/M, but just go with me because harry and louis having babies is still Very Pure, harry is louis' baby, lmfao listen i know this isn't the BEST time to post kid fic, what's a short title i don't do short titles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-16 18:46:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5836660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scagnetism/pseuds/scagnetism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“When will we sleep for more than three hours uninterrupted?”</p><p>“Eighteen more years,” Louis replies jokingly, his laughter rumbling through Harry’s body.  “We’ll get through it.”</p><p>“The dream team,” Harry says, and Louis pulls him in closer.  </p><p>Or, the one where Harry worries about raising two kids, but Louis knows they'll always be okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	for all the things my hands have held (the best by far is you)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm well aware that this probably isn't the greatest time to be posting kid fic, but at the same time...there's nothing that can ruin the purity that will be Harry and Louis with their babies, whenever that happens. And also, I hate seeing everyone so upset about everything lately, so maybe this can bring people ten minutes of relief, lmao.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy :)
> 
> Title from Cecilia and the Satellite by Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness...if you don't know it, look it up immediately!

Harry can’t remember the last time he was this exhausted.  He feels like he could sleep for the next year without waking up, and he wants to fall asleep so this day can be over.  He yawns and runs his hand through his tangled curls as Louis walks into their room, looking the epitome of soft and Harry just wants to cuddle him.

When Louis crawls into bed next to him, getting under the covers and giving him a gentle smile, Harry knows he sees right through him, knows he realized something was wrong the second he walked in the door hours ago. 

It’s comforting how easily they can read each other – a product of being together as long as they have, being two halves of a whole from nearly day one.  Harry knew Louis sensed he’d had a rough day right when he got home, after greeting Sadie and kissing Sawyer who was already in her highchair, he made his way over to Harry with worry on his brow and a soft touch that made Harry melt into his arms.  “Hey, I’ll finish getting dinner,” he’d said with a smile, pressing a kiss to Harry’s temple.  “Go relax for a mo, love.”

“Wanna tell me what’s bothering you, Haz?”

He sighs, taking in a deep breath.  “Sometimes I just worry we made a mistake,” Harry says with a sigh, and he feels horrible saying it, feels horrible for thinking it, and tears well in his eyes as he leans his head back on their headboard.  “Like, Lou, I love both our girls with all of me.  So much it hurts, but can we really raise two?”

“Baby,” Louis coos, voice sweet and comforting as he runs his fingers through Harry’s curls like he always does to comfort him.  “What’s brought this on?”

He pauses, realizing saying it out loud sounds stupid.  “Today at the store, Sawyer started crying, and Sadie had started to have a strop, and I was so overwhelmed, y’know?  It’d never happened when we were out somewhere before, only at home, and it’s different when we’re here and I can put Sadie in time out and Sawyer’s not bothering the entire world with her banshee screaming.”  Louis chuckles a little, and Harry’s automatic reaction is to smile back at him.  “I was just standing in line trying to pay, and it felt like everyone’s eyes were on me because I was _that_ parent, and then sometimes I still think this shit’ll be making headlines, even though it’s too low level for gossip rags.  But it felt like I didn’t have control of anything, like the one parent you always want to leave because they don’t fucking know how to deal with their own kids.  I know how to do it with one.  We’ve got that down, but two?  Jesus Christ, how did my mum do it?  How did _your_ mum do it with so many?  What if we’re not that good?  What if _I’m_ not that good?”  He knows he’s being dramatic, but he’s so _tired_ that he can’t help it.

Louis scratches a bit harder at Harry’s hair, and he lets out a little purring noise before leaning into Louis’ touch, always his anchor, what grounds him.  “Hazza, don’t ever think that.  You’re a wonderful dad,” Louis tells him with a grin, pressing a kiss to his temple.  “What’d you do after that?”

“After I got the groceries together, I took them outside immediately and told Sadie that wasn’t appropriate big girl behavior and that she was acting like her baby sister instead of being a good role model.  She stopped and apologized pretty quickly, thank god, and we narrowly avoided another meltdown.  Got Sawyer to settle down as we were walking to the car.”  He shrugs with a sigh.

“See, baby,” Louis says, grin pulling at his lips.  “Calming them down’s the hard part, and you did that just fine.”  He feels himself get a little lighter, not so weighed down with guilt.  “The girls love you just as much as you love them.  We all have rough days, yeah?  This is one bad one, and I’m sure there will be more, but there will be so many good ones to make up for all the shit.”

“I hate that, though, like.  I was so insecure all of the sudden.”  He shakes his head at himself, scrubbing a hand over his face as he absently realizes he needs to shave.  “I know logically that it wasn’t my fault, but I should’ve been able to stop it?  I mean, we left straight after that, so ‘s not like I was disturbing people for ages, but god, I felt so helpless and I hate it.”

Louis hums and nods.  “I’m sure if anyone behind you in line was a parent, they understood, love.  You never know what kids are gonna do.”  He kisses Harry’s jaw gently, trying to bring him back to earth.

“When we got home, Sadie wasn’t much better and threw a fit because I told her she had to take a nap, and she didn’t fucking want to, so she kept crying and yelling – thankfully Sawyer was actually asleep by then, by some miracle – and I finally gave up and let her watch a movie while I laid on the couch with because I was just so _done_ with everything.  Then she refused to clean up her toys after she made a mess, and in the midst of this, Sawyer woke up and started screaming.”  Harry shrugs, shaking his head.  “I don’t know how to do this.  I’m so exhausted, Lou.”

“Baby, this doesn’t mean you’re not an amazing dad.  It’s okay, yeah?  And besides that, we’re in this together.  Always both of us.”

“How are you keeping it together?  Haven’t seen you worried about being a failure.”

Louis rolls his eyes as he picks at the bottom of his jumper with his free hand.  Harry doesn’t understand how he looks as beautiful as he does even when he’s unkempt.  There’s three days worth of scruff on his cheeks, he’s in a jumper with holes scattered randomly across the well-worn fabric, and joggers that were probably Harry’s once, yet he’s still the most stunning person Harry’s ever laid eyes on.  “Pfft,” he snorts, bringing Harry back to the moment.  “When you went out with Nick the other day, when Sadie took her nap and Sawyer wouldn’t sleep, I cried.  Fuckin’ nightmare of a day.”

“You cried?” Harry asks, eyes wide, and Louis nods.  “Babe, when you told me she wouldn’t go down, you didn’t tell me that.  Why didn’t you tell me?  I – ”

Louis shrugs, putting a hand on Harry’s shoulder gently.  “’S alright, love.  We both had a little cry, if I’m honest.”

“Lou...”  He doesn’t even know what else to say, so he kisses Louis’ cheek gently.

“Hazza, she just wouldn’t sleep.  Kept crying no matter what I did, and I was so exhausted, and I just needed a little break.  Like, five minutes to clear my head because you know what it’s like when Sadie won’t leave you alone and you just need that _minute_ to yourself to breathe again.  I couldn’t get one.”  He laughs a little, shaking his head at himself.  “Ended up bloody breaking down.  She wouldn’t stop, and I finally put her in her crib while she was still screaming her fucking lungs out, and I sat on the couch and had meself a cry over it because I felt so shitty, _and_ I felt even shittier for leaving her alone while she cried, then got meself together and she’d stopped by then, and made a cuppa to calm down.”  Louis kisses Harry’s cheek.  “Sadie came and joined me a half hour later and we watched The Little Mermaid and had a cuddle and it was all better after that.  The important thing’s that I got through it like you did today, yeah?”

“Lou,” Harry repeats more seriously this time, kissing his cheek and watching his eyelashes flutter.

Harry should’ve expected that Louis was dealing with this huge adjustment in private.  It was the same way when they brought Sadie home from the hospital four years ago.  Harry is seldom the calm one of the two of them, but when she joined them in their London flat, an otherworldly calm fell over him that couldn’t be matched.  Louis, however, was a wreck, constantly needing her to be in his sight and checking on her even when Harry reassured him that nothing was wrong.

He distinctly remembers waking up one night in only the second week they had her to an empty bed, worried that he’d slept through Sadie crying.  He tore the covers off and raced to her room, bleary eyed and still half asleep, only to see Louis standing over her crib.  She was sound asleep, delicate face dusted with moonlight, and Louis was just watching the soft rise and fall of her chest with every breath.  Harry didn’t have it in him to disturb the moment, especially since Louis hadn’t noticed him, so with a smile, he retreated back to bed, heart full and eyes wet with unshed tears of happiness.

Louis did that a lot the first three months she was in their lives.  Whenever Harry heard a cry, he was up in a flash even when Louis offered to get up with Sadie, so when he awoke to an empty bed with no warning, he knew Louis was just checking in on their girl and would press his face back into the pillow with a smile.

He guesses it’s not really a surprise he’s only outwardly calm about Sawyer then, but he wishes Louis would stop feeling like he has to be the pillar of strength and talk to him when he’s feeling upset rather than trying to put on a brave face.  Harry knows that from the time they first met, their first moments together in One Direction, Louis felt some inane responsibility to protect him, to save him from the harsh realities of show business, of the world, of prying eyes.  But he’s not the naive, cherubic sixteen year old anymore – he’s 27 with two kids, and while he appreciates the gesture, there’s nothing to protect him from anymore.  The demons of Modest are gone, even if sometimes he can still imagine them on his shoulder.

Harry runs his thumb across Louis’ angled cheekbone gently, smile playing at his lips.  “You gotta tell me these things, babe,” he says softly, and Louis smiles, the one only reserved for Harry, nosing into his neck.  “I know you wanna protect me, but ’m not a kid anymore, yeah?  And you just said it yourself – we’re in this together.  How can we really be in this together if you don’t wanna tell me what you’re really feeling about everything?” 

“You’re my baby, though,” Louis tells him, words whispered into his skin like that explains everything.

“And you’re mine, babe, but don’t keep this all bottled up.  Please?”  Harry kisses Louis’ soft hair, and he feels his husband nod against him.  “You don’t always have to be the strong one.  You know that, right?”  He pulls away to look Louis in the eyes, and he smiles.  “You know that there’s strength in letting it all out sometimes.”

“Yeah,” Louis breathes, nodding again.  “’S just.  I’m used to that, like.  ‘S in my nature.”

Harry smiles, so grateful for this wonderful man.  “I know, babe, but you know you can let your guard down around me always.”

“Love you, Haz.”

“Love you,” Harry replies, cuddling even closer to Louis. 

“Sawyer’s a right menace, though.  As good as Sadie was is as terrible as she is,” he says, and Harry laughs, thinking it’s all too true.  “Never bloody sleeps.”

“Fuck, I know,” Harry answers with a giggle, leaning his head on Louis’ shoulder, and he resumes playing with his curls.  “When will we sleep for more than three hours uninterrupted?”

“Eighteen more years,” Louis replies jokingly, his laughter rumbling through Harry’s body.  “We’ll get through it.”

“The dream team,” Harry says, and Louis pulls him in closer. 

“I’ll take the girls with me into the studio tomorrow.  Just meeting Payno and Julian there, so it won’t be a big deal, and y’know Sadie loves it.  Maybe we can write something that’ll get Sawyer to sleep.”

Harry laughs, kissing the underside of Louis’ chin.  “I’d love you all more than I do now.”

“You’ve got that meeting with Gucci in the afternoon, right?”  Harry nods.  “My fashionista baby.”

He smiles, feeling himself blush a little, and he’ll never get over the way Louis can make him feel like he’s sixteen, even when they’ve been together for so long.  “’M excited.  Their new line is so lovely.”

“Proud of you,” Louis hums, burying his nose Harry’s curls and inhaling softly.  “You’ll take over the world some day, I reckon.”

Harry feels laughter bubble up within him, and he shakes his head against Louis’ chest.  “Not alone.  Only if you’re by my side.”

He feels a kiss pressed to the top of his head, and he closes his eyes.  Moments like this are his favorite, when the world feels gentle and like everything is made of silk, hazy and safe, when it feels like he and Louis are the only people on earth.  Harry can feel himself starting to doze off, body going pliant, and he vaguely thinks one of them should turn off the light when he hears the door and his eyes fly open.

Sadie stands in front of them with her stuffed tiger – named Roar because she wanted to match Harry’s tattoo – clutched in her tiny hands.  Her curls are wild, untamed like Harry’s always are when he wakes up, and she’s wordless, adorable in her butterfly pajamas, just waiting for them to acknowledge her.

“Hey, bug,” Louis says, voice raspy with sleep.  “Why are you still up?”

“Can’t sleep,” she answers simply, and she takes that as her cue to join them, climbing up onto the bed and plopping down unceremoniously between them, causing Harry to let out a loud _oof._ Harry and Louis disentangle themselves, and Sadie snuggles closer to Harry’s side.  He takes it as her unspoken apology for being awful all day.

“Why can’t you sleep, hm?” Harry asks her, running his hand through her soft curls, and just seeing her makes his heart burst with how much he loves her, wiping away any worry from earlier.

“Dunno,” she replies, looking down at Roar and picking at his fur with her fingers.  “I have been in my bed like a good girl for a very long time and I am not very sleepy at all, Daddies.”

Louis chuckles, giving her side a tickle that causes her to giggle.  “And what do you think we can do about it, little miss?” he asks her, and she puts her finger to her chin, tapping thoughtfully, and Harry can’t stop himself from grinning.

“You’re the grown-ups!  You’re aposta know!”

“Supposed to,” Harry corrects gently.

There’s crying that fills the air before Sadie can say anything else, a crackling that comes from Sawyer’s baby monitor that’s sitting on the bedside table.  Harry lets out a sigh, and Louis gives him a fond look, putting his hand on Harry’s shoulder.  “I’ll go, baby,” he tells him.

“Thank you, babe,” Harry says, and he hopes he conveys just how grateful he is.  Louis winks at him before getting out of bed, and Harry thinks he knows, thinks he can probably read his mind like always.

“She cries a lot,” Sadie says, looking up at Harry.

He barks out a laugh, nodding.  “She does.”

“Did I cry a lot?  I don’t anymore because I’m a big girl!”

 _Then what was today?_ Harry holds back, settling on, “You cried, yeah, but not as much as your sister,” Harry answers, fingers still tangled in her curls.  He can see why Louis likes to play with his so much.  “You were a pretty quiet baby.”

“That’s because I’m the bestest, right, Daddy?”

“You are the bestest, _and_ so’s your sister, bug,” he answers, poking her nose and planting a kiss on her head when she scrunches her face up.

Louis comes back in with Sawyer in his arms, and Harry’s heart stutters in his chest, even more in love with Louis when he’s holding their babies.  “Think this one just wanted to be held,” he laughs as he gets back in bed with her cradled against his chest.  “She ate not that long ago, doesn’t have a dirty nappy, and stopped crying when I picked her up.  Just one of those nights, innit, little love?” he asks her, and the baby blinks up at him, blue eyes wide.

“Can we all have a sleep over in your big bed?” Sadie asks excitedly, and Louis looks over to Harry, nodding slightly as though he wants to give Harry the final say.  He still gets butterflies about the way Louis always looks out for him, always has his best interests at heart.

“Sure, why not,” Harry responds, and Sadie lets out a squeal, and Louis shushes her.

“Don’t want to disturb Sawyer, sweetheart,” he tells her, and Sadie nods solemnly, leaning over to kiss the baby.

“Sorry, sister,” she whispers, the sweetest girl Harry and Louis could’ve ever asked for, and Harry grins as she settles back against him.  “Can you tell me a story?”

“We already did tonight, didn’t we?” Louis says to her with brows raised softly, and she lets out a huff, always one for dramatics.

“But now we’re havin’ a sleepover!  We need another story, Papa!  Me and Sawyer!  Don’t we need another story, Daddy?”  She turns to him, blinking expectantly.

He laughs, briefly meeting Louis’ eyes before nodding.  “Absolutely!  It’s a special sleepover night, isn’t it?”

She leans over to hug Harry, whispering loudly, “I knew you’d say yes, Daddy, cause I know you like to make Papa do the voices.” 

He laughs, rubbing his hand down her back gently.  “Papa is very good at voices, isn’t he?”

Louis smiles, his lips resting on the top of Sawyer’s head, kissing her lightly before pulling away.  “It’s one of my specialties, yeah.  Papa, husband, songwriter, singer, voice doer...”

Sadie giggles as she lets her head fall against Louis’ torso.  “You’re silly, Papa.”

“No, you’re silly!”

“No, you are!”

As Harry watches the two of them, he thinks back to Louis saying that for all the bad moments, there will be good moments to outweigh them, how everything feels so simple with his little family all in one bed, the love in the room so palpable he feels like the walls could crash in with the sheer force of it all, the sheer warmth of the four of them.  It’s in the way Louis’ eyes crinkle, the way Sadie’s laughter is infectious, the way Sawyer is finally, finally, _finally_ asleep on Louis’ chest after being a tiny terror.

“Y’okay, baby?” Louis asks softly while Sadie’s pulling down the covers and climbing in, making a big show of tucking in Roar.  His hand is resting gently on Harry’s wrist, a soft anchor.  He must’ve noticed Harry letting his thoughts wander again, and Harry smiles and nods.

“Good, babe,” he answers, with a smile, leaning over to kiss Louis’ cheek.  “I love you.”

“I love you, too, baby.  Always.”

“Now, how about that story?” Sadie asks with a grin, batting her eyelashes and looking up at the two of them expectantly.

As they settle in themselves, starting to tell her a story they make up on the spot with Louis doing silly voices and laughter spilling out of her in waves, while Sawyer stays quiet and entranced tucked against her papa’s chest, Harry knows they’ll always be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always very lovely :) Come say hi on [tumblr](http://daintyharru.tumblr.com) and reblog the post [here](http://mytinylou.tumblr.com/post/138185126891/for-all-the-things-my-hands-have-held-the-best-by) if you'd like!


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